A Cosmo Girl, I’m Not.
I was prepared for a long day as I entered the hospital gift shop looking for something to read. I was also distracted by the fact that my dad was in surgery and therefore, just wanted anything to take my mind off things. Somehow, I emerged with the latest issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Not usually my style at all. I probably haven’t read Cosmo since High School nearly 15 years ago. I remember all of the hoopla some years back that resulted in the stores having to put Cosmo behind secretive cover at the store, so I guess I figured at the very least, I would get some racy sex advice or something.
Now, at 32, I’m pretty sure that I’m above the target demographic for this rag, but even when I put myself back in my 20-something shoes, I was floored by how ridiculous this entire publication was. However, a friend once told me that you learn something new every day, so I think I’ll bite. Here’s what I learned from Cosmo. (I’ll sum it up so that you don’t have to read it yourself)…
I learned that it’s perfectly normal for my boobs, affectionately referred to as ‘the girls’ by the way, to be lumpy, squishy, or saggy and that these phenomena might happen alternately, all at once or not at all and that it is also perfectly aceptable for my areolas to be any size from quarter-sized to the size of a saucer and that they might red, pink, brown, purple, black or anything in-between. (Phew!) Next, I learned that guys like it when you do swirly things with your tongue as the ‘big finish’. You think? Hmm.. oh one of my favorites was a little blurb explaining what a guy’s sheets say about him. According to this, my guy must fit into one of these three categories. A.) plain, and inexpensive sheets. This indicates that my guy is boring and cheap and that he’s not likely to surprise me in or out of the bedroom. B.) if his sheets are satiny and sexy, he’s a player. or c.) if his bedroom linens are coordinated, his mom probably bought them for him and he’ll expect me to take care of him the same way. Hmm… Maybe I’m nuts, but I couldn’t think of any guys I had known when I was dating who had satin sheets, remember some pretty good lovin on some fairly plain bedding and figured that it was pretty normal for a mom to buy linens as a gift for her son. I can’t decide which one is preferable. In another feature, I read that guys like to be touched in public and that guys hate it when their girls touch them in public. I assume they are indicating the obvious, that different guys like different levels of PDA, but couldn’t figure out why they published an article that contradicted itself.
I’m excited to find a $225 cheaper option for the $2500 tunic top that’s so hot for this season. Now I can afford the $1,995 green espadrilles.
You know what, this blog is as lame as that magazine was. I can’t go on.
cosmo blows.